My Rendition Of Harry Potter: Chapter 1 – Ciggy To Jiggy

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I’ll tell you a story
A story of lust, power, incest and magic.
The story of Harry Potter.
(Dum dum duuuuuuuum)
A long time ago…outside a suburban house in Privet Drive, a cat stood against a wall in the dark of the night. The peculiar thing about the cat was that it had these markings around it’s eyes.
Super weird homie.
I mean, which kind of cat has muderfuckin’ markings around their eyes?! Then out of nothing, this even more weirder dude conjures up. He’s tall, ancient and has a crooked nose.
He’s Dumbledore, mudafuckas!
Run and hide, cause Dumbledore’s in the house.
Then Alby flips out a lighter, and tells the cat (which is actually now a woman) that he wants to have a quick ciggy before they jiggy. And Minerva (aka Cat) is all cool and shit cause she knows this is the way Alby rolls. Then Alby’s like, “Jk, Imma just remove all the streetlights so we both can get frisky.” Then Alby’s like, “El-O-El, double jk, I just don’t want people to think we’re bat shit crazy cause of the weirdass clothes we’re wearing.
Minerva’s like, “What about the child, where he at?” Alby’s like, “Chill your ancient titties, I got mah hommie Hagrid taking care of that shit.” Minerva freaks the fuck out, “What the flying fuck, you sure you can trust that nigga?!” Alby looks deep into Minerva’s eyes and says in all seriousness, “Hommie, I can trust my entire weed stash with that nigga.”
And thats that
“Althought, that bro is kinda late ” Alby remaks. And just like that, that very second..some gigantic thing is flying towards them on an airborne motorcycle. The motorcycle lands and Dumby’s all like, “You mad bro, look at the time!” And Haggy doesn’t even twitch, he goes off on a different tangent and says, “On the way here, Harry was shufflin’ while we crossed some ocean”
No shit bro.
Dumby’s getting pretty agitated. “Yo bro, I gotta bounce soon man, lets get this shit done?” So they all walk towards the house of the Dursleys. The put the infant into a wicker basket and place it in the front of the door. Dumby pulls out a letter and places it on the babes.
Minerva’s a wreck, “Wth dude, you just can’t leave this babes with these muggles..I’ve seen the way they act the entire day. They are the worst kind of muggles.” Dumby whispers into Haggy’s ears, “Guess who’s on her period *eye roll*”
“There won’t be a single child in our world, who won’t know his name” Dumby seems to be crashing. Alby goes like, “Bros & Hoes, lets split. It’s time to get hammered cause Voldy is mouldy now”
End Of  Chapter One